"There was just a little bit of hope. Maybe I could do this."
-Donnese, Village Member
Donnese, Village Member, tells her story of recovery from drugs and alcohol.
I was living in Orange County and was part of a recovery program which I stayed in for 18 months and it didn’t work out for me. This was in 1998.
I became the manager of the recovery home that I was living in even though I wasn’t ready for it. I immediately started going out and sneaking drugs. I was trying to play both roles and it didn’t work out.
It all came to a head in one day; I was on the streets with nothing. I had lost my job, car, and home all in one day.
I ended up here in Long Beach and hung out on Pacific Coast Highway for about two years before finally getting arrested. I was on the streets selling my body, and I had never done that before. I was stealing from people and putting myself in harm’s way. The first time I was picked up the cops let me go because I had never been arrested before.
Now that I was living this new kind of life there were lots of ways to get into trouble, and I never ran out of drugs to do. I got arrested and didn’t make it to my court dates. I was living in abandoned buildings. I was trying to sell drugs too, but I became my best customer. I was a garbage pail drug addict. My drug of choice was speed, but would do anything I could get my hands on.
I was living in a car in a junkyard and finally realizing that drugs had messed me up. I found myself thinking about being a paralegal assistant in San Francisco; my former life.
I was hanging around a lot of shady characters. I got picked up again, but this time they gave me 9 months in County jail and I started fighting with the officers and was hearing voices. Mentally, I just cracked. I stayed in the hole for 2 months.
Then my brother got shot, my oldest brother shot my youngest brother in head by accident. I realized I wasn’t there for my sister, it was her twin who had been shot. I was closing my eyes and seeing him in my cell
I have two kids. My son wrote to me in jail. He was 9 and my daughter was 7. My mother in law got involved. She put money on my books. Next my mom got involved, and I had the first conversation with her that I had in 11 years. And I heard from my kids for the first time in 5 years.
I was always fighting in jail. They finally put me in a mental ward. Shannon and Victoria from the Village came out to interview me. It was really nice. This was the first time someone was sitting there caring bout my wellbeing.
They started showing up for my court dates. I never had support like that before. I would come out shackled and saw them sitting there for me.
Richard Hart picked me up when I got out of jail. This is too deep; he bought me a hamburger, did paperwork, got me a bag lunch, gave me a little money, and put me in a hotel. I didn’t think of drugs at the time because I was so in awe of being here in this place. I didn’t want to mess this up.
I didn’t feel so alone, but I was still scared. There was just a little bit of hope. Maybe I could do this. Being here in Long Beach I went out that weekend and sat at the beach. I had an opportunity to feel normal for a minute. I was clearheaded.
I didn’t know anybody on this side of the city. I sat at the beach and watched people. I called my mother collect just to hear her voice… I didn’t say anything.
I was just walking by the Village on a Saturday and it was open. I felt like I had someplace to come to. I got another lunch.
I got assigned to a team with a doctor. Carole Merwin really intimidated me but reminded me of somebody, Terry Lynch, a woman who was part of my life when I was younger. She took a lot of interest in me and felt I would be able to get up on my feet. She felt that I needed to know that someone cared. She believed in me, and that was weird.
I got caught up with the wrong people again. I wouldn’t come around if I was messing up bad. Jackie Jackson would come out to the parks get me in a program, and took me back to Orange County. I got arrested again. Jackie & Roger Walters came to see me and talk to me. They let me know that maybe I could do something; this didn’t have to be the end for me.
I almost overdosed behind the Bright Spot in Anaheim. It was heroin. I found myself thinking about my kids. I didn’t want my son to realize that was what had become of his mom.
I got a job in clerical. Jacquie was strict, but I wanted that discipline. People were coming down harder on me. I was still going to recovery homes and still fighting my disease.
I starting working the program, getting into it, and finding out that people here were working the program too. It became more personal. I started working in the deli and was helping people that came in. Helping others was something I did a lot of when I was younger. Helping others can help you get well. I started doing outreach.
It didn’t keep me clean in the beginning… but as I kept doing it (and the fact that I was looking at 6 years in prison) I decided to really ask for help and listen this time. And be willing and open. I started therapy, kept working. The team kept encouraging me to work.
Megan Welsch got me on the road to wanting to these things I was doing… She made me feel like she could be one of my peers. She made me feel like everything was going to be okay. Sat with me for hours one time and I was crying and crying.
I had been on medications, went through several cocktails until I found the right meds. It has been working for me for about five years. I got closer with my doctor, Dr. Helen, and I didn’t want to leave this area. Even at night I was staying here near the Village. I was couch surfing or sleeping on the church steps next door.
Amber came along and placed me in Thunder Road, a new MHA owned recovery home. I had burned all my recovery home bridges.
I was working in the community for Jamaican Grill. Jose got me a job over there and I was looking for a day job. Soon I was working two job and this was the best I had done in years and years. I started considering the Village as my family. The streets were my family before. I was cooking. I met up with house staff and life started getting better.
Meetings and big book studies at the house really changed my attitude towards recovery… I started exploring other meetings. “There was a palpable change in her attitude; it was like you could touch it.” Gary remembers thinking, “I think Donnesse is getting serious.”
I started calling my kids every day and sending them money. I finally went to visit, after 12 years. They lived with their dad. My daughter has cerebral palsy because of my drug use during pregnancy. She was having surgery and for first time I was there for one of her surgeries. It was major. It snapped that I really had to do something.
I can’t and won’t even think about yanking them out of the environment they are in. My son is so good at everything he does; he can play any sport. My daughter is so smart. Now I am going to find recovery for myself, and they benefit by getting their mom back.
Lynne got me interested in school stuff. I had been in the restaurant business for years but I never thought I could become a chef… I was a Maitre’d when I was 19, which was the highest rank. I was natural at it. And really good at Mediterranean cooking. I am totally into nutrition and using herbs.
Now I am working part time running my own personal gig for people in Seal Beach. People are trusting me to do this myself. I’m doing Greek weddings and learning about new kinds of food. Lynne taught me how to network, ask a lot of questions and was always upfront about things. She would start it off and then I would network and continue the conversation…
Sometimes she would drop me off at school and now that I was getting more comfortable and felt like I could trust them. I met people in recovery. I built relationships with good people. Through all the trainings, stress management, all of my team, I got a lot of support. Now I can pick up phone and call if I don’t feel right about something or when I need suggestions or advice.
I don’t take advantage and I am very, very grateful.
It’s working out for me.
My priority is to stay sober. Every time I use, within just a couple of days everything is gone. I keep trust and faith in my higher power and help others, that helps me a lot. A lot of people do depend on me and I am grateful for that.